Jan. 26, Feast of Sts. Timothy and Titus.
"A portrait of my child, once a week, every week, in 2014."
HELP, I'm going out of my mind. On a scale of one to ten, my anxiety level is at an 11. Today, my almost-three-year-old flooded the kitchen from the kitchen tap, took off all his clothes and pooped all over himself and the carpet, drank a vial of blessed holy oil given to me by my godmother, pulled out all the clothes from the dresser, poured his pink medicine on the comforter, flushed God-knows-what down the toilet (by the time I made it to look, whatever-it-was was long gone), somehow got hold of my energy drink (which I have to have to function due to an un/mis-diagnosed medical ailment--my body doesn't make energy, but doctors insist that there's nothing wrong--I've only lived in my body my entire life, but whatever), unscrewed all the knobs from every drawer and cabinet, and is generally a nuisance in every single way.
Oh wait, now he's just spilled milk all over the floor. And yes, I do retreat to my computer, to writing poetry, to my books that take me out of the present because if I don't stop the anxiety with some sort of cork to absorb the impact, I think I will really. just. burst like so many cans of soda jumbled about in the shopping cart and then thrown into the trunk of the car, loose and rolling.
Um . . . one day I'll miss this? This age? This babyness? Right? It's just a bad day? Do you ever get that dead-weight leaden feeling that you just weren't supposed to be a mom? Like, you just don't have it in you? Like, you're about good for making up an interesting story and writing it down in a pretty way but that's it? Like introspective, powerfully sensitive and emotionally unstable artist types oughtn't procreate? Don't get me wrong, I'm no Sylvia Plath. But I seem to be detecting a pattern.
Saint Ann, pray for us!!
Oh, I feel you! My oldest is not quite two and not into things as much as yours (yet), but I have infant twins at the moment too ... on a particularly bad day last week I found myself in angry tears asking God what the heck he was THINKING giving me all these kids. I know motherhood is supposed to stretch you, but so often I feel like I'm not growing in virtue so much as burrowing deeper into all my flaws! (Like hiding in the internet and books when I should be focused on other things ...)
ReplyDeletethat is really hard; some days just crash in on us; Lord have mercy. It is ESP. hard as you are 'single mom-ing' it right now. sending HUG your way...
ReplyDeleteYou are the perfect mom for your son. He was created for and in you, and no one else. Hugs momma, I know how hard days can be with a toddler. From what I see on your blog, you do amazingly with him. <3
ReplyDeleteThis appeared in my feed today. It seems apropos. http://askmoxie.org/blog/2014/1/27/listening-for-your-own-answers
DeleteDON'T read Rilke right now..(not that you're likely to go to him for comfort anyway ;) ) and St. Anne might be less of a help than St. Helena (Constantine sounds like a handful) and St. Monica (Augustine = hell-child) and Blessed 'brother' Lady Jacoba (I don't know if she had sons of her own, but she definitely had a handful of mothering for St. Francis who has a similar sort of over-enthusiasm it seems to Afon (drinking holy oil might be a good thing? Right!!!).
ReplyDeleteDo you ever get that dead-weight leaden feeling that you just weren't supposed to be a mom? Like, you just don't have it in you? Like, you're about good for making up an interesting story and writing it down in a pretty way but that's it? Like introspective, powerfully sensitive and emotionally unstable artist types oughtn't procreate? ..Those are GOOD qualities, remember that too!!!! Especially for little kids, because you can be closer to them in emotion and imagination.. Afon won't grow up wondering when he'll be 'too old' for fairy, he'll grow up watching it grow with him - and with you..and that's a beautiful, rich gift to give a child! Even if it comes along with an abundance of "and now mama's off to write and neither completely available not completely un-available to me..she has other roles in life than just 'mama'..which is another great lesson. So don't worry..just be and love and have some wine when all else fails (actually, you should have some to head off failure too, because life happens and so you'll always need wine) ;)
Okay, no Rilke, got it.
DeleteAnd THANKYOU for giving me permission to be . . . whateveritis I am. It's a massive comfort. xx
"Do you ever get that dead-weight leaden feeling...." Yup. I do, and I don't even have kids. It's by far the biggest reason I haven't tried harder to have them. What you're doing is beyond hard. FB post today from a friend who is a devoted mummy:
ReplyDelete"FREE TODDLER! Who insists on bugging the dog, throwing; dog food, remotes, and climbing into the kitchen sink. You haul."
One of the comments:
"I already have one that does all of that and talks back, thanks though."
I laughed and groaned in sympathy, because I get it even though I don't live it. I'm around it enough to feel it.
You have my prayers, always, friend. I'll petition St. Helena and St. Monica. And I agree with Masha about the wine. Wish I could ship you a bottle. Darn post office rules. I'll have to come up with something else.
Haha, Jenna, I think it's just a relief to hear that I'm NOT the only person who wants to pull my hair out at this very innocently mischievous youngling. Feelings of guilt, and all that. . . :P
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