21 Steps to Obnoxiously Catholic

Feb. 11, Feast of St. Scholastica, twin sister of St. Benedict, who founded the first community of Benedictine nuns.  When she died in 547, her soul ascended to Heaven in the shape of a dove.



#icons


I don't know how I started to first come up with this silly list, but I had a whole lot of fun with it.  Most of these are things I have actually done, thought of doing, or wanted to do at some point in my life.  Twenty steps to obnoxiously Catholic: can you guess which?

1  //  Preface every e-mail, journal entry, blog post, written letter, or scrawled note with "Feast of Saint ______ , __th Day of ______ Time." 
2  //  Wear a Scapular. Outside your shirt.  Kiss it often.
3  //  Insist on referring to every religious-turned-secular holiday with its liturgically historical title, as in Saint Valentine's Day, Eve of All Saints, and Walpurgis Night. 
4  //  Ask if you can have people's left-over candle stubs, "you know, for the home altar." c; 
5  //  For your political leanings under the About Me section on your Facebook page, list Catholic.  Distributist is also acceptable. 
6  //  Write the Pope suggesting he make it a rule to see people's baptismal certificates before allowing entrance to Saint Peter's Basillica and the Vatican Museums. 
7  //  Give your children unmistakably Catholic names, such as Augustine, John Paul, Bernadette, Philomena, and Hildegard. Also Mary, followed by any traditional name.  (Maria if Spanish.)
8  //  Mentally organize your friends and acquaintances under the categories Catholic, Almost Catholic, and Not Yet Catholic. 
9  //  Spend far too many hours on the internet expounding the deeply Christian aspects of Sherlock, Doctor Who, Harry Potter, and Firefly
10  //  Consider an education in world religion taking your children to an Eastern Rite Mass. 
11  //  Be the person who has a prayer card on hand--for everything. 
12  //  Under the second languages category in job applications, circle "Other" and write "liturgical Latin." 
13  //  Explain to people who stare at or make rude comments about your large family of five under the age of five that, "I'll never have to harass them for grandchildren." 
14  //  Spam your social networks daily with Catholic memes, Crisis Magazine articles, and the Pope's tweets. 
15  //  Seek out and hoard first class relics. Do not be at all shy or ashamed to introduce friends to the decayed parts of (holy!) dead people.   
16  //  Make sure that anyone who knows you for more than five minutes is familiar with the life stories of Cardinal Newman, Fulton J. Sheen, or G.K. Chesterton.
17  //  Tell your three-year-old that "Jesus is in the church, inside His golden box," but that, "Jesus isn't in that church; not as His Bread Self, I mean." 
18  //  When people ask you if you know someone who can get things done, tell them, "You know the Mormon Mafia? Well, Catholics have something like that, too.  It's called the Mafia. . .  Just the Mafia."
19  //  Continually confound people by crying, "Oh, I do hope my son becomes a priest! Or the pope! Yeah, 'cause how cool would it be to be the pope's mom?" 
20  //  During the Eucharistic procession, grasp your girlfriend's arm and say, "Oh my gosh, there He is.  It's Him, it's Him!  Can I touch the cloth touching Him?  How does my hair look?"  Catholic fangirls be crazy.
21  //  Consider being called a "close-minded Papist" by your college professor a deeply touching compliment.

What kind of crazy-awesome things are you known for doing?  If not a Catholic, as something else (a religion, ethnicity, culture, or fan)?  Have I left anything out of the list?

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11 comments:

  1. Ah Love it. Number 8! Ive definitely done 9 and 12. No Shame. And it will only be a matter of time/children until people figure out the common denominator in the names I love. Once we have a Benedict, the game will be up.

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    1. I know! I'm all like, "The Pope was named Benedict before Benedict Cumberbatch made it cool." :p So was the saint, for that matter!

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  2. 9 and 14, I also tell Henry that "We're going to see Jesus" at church and tell him when "Jesus is coming" in Mass.
    You can make #22 for me "When you dream the Pope giving you a blessing and a big hug" <--- last week, in the dream I tracked him down and told him about my MC's he gave me a blessing and a big hug =)

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    1. I thought exactly of you when I wrote #9!

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  3. Very openly gay, very openly critical of Christianity, very noisily not interested in paying for entrance at the Vatican Museum, I do have my Catholic baptismal certificate, as the proof of my parents and I being denied our right fir religious freedom at the Irish hospital I was born. So I could go in, but not my cousin the priest, whose baptismal certificate is in glued into the family album. :)

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    1. In Ireland do they baptize the newborns in the hospital without permission? I recently learned (to my surprise), that once baptized a Catholic you're always a Catholic; even if you don't consider yourself one. I can see how that would annoy people, but the theological reasoning is sound.

      Tell me more about the Vatican Museum! Did you make a fuss and refuse to pay? I remember that the line to get in went on for a mile, but they neglected to tell you that it closed shortly after noon. So you got in finally and had like two hours to get everything done. :P

      And in my crazy scenario, I'm sure they'd allow your cousin to borrow the family album!

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  4. Love the Relic one!!! We've got St. Patrick, St. Anthony, and Elizabeth Ann Seton rocking out on our altar..and haunting the woods..Yarrow especially tends to see St. Patrick when we take walks - I think he might be our 1st class..and he's in a little locket thing, so I can WEAR him!!!!! Pretty awesome, isn't it!!!

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    1. It's the only instance in which dead bodies don't scare me.

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  5. also, do you know you can get leftover candle stubs from the Church, so long as you promise not to throw them away..we have a priest who passes along blessed candles too short for the altar to us..it's pretty fantastic!

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    1. No kidding? This is a game-changer! Awesome!

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  6. I've only been Catholic for 4 years, but I've got #8 & #16 nailed. Also #20, although I don't care how my hair looks since it's covered. And I LOVE that icon in the shape of a cross. I'd love to get one - do you know the name? Do you know where it can be purchased?

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